December 2005...

I was doing some spring cleaning the other day and found a diary journal that I had written in while I was going through the pain of my divorce. It is a very personal entry but I would like to share it with you:-

It is so hard to think of anything to be thankful for right now. Three weeks ago I discovered the ultimate betrayal, my husband was having an affair. Since that day my world has collapsed around me and the devastating effect it has had on me is indescribable.

I cannot look at him without my heart breaking and I find it difficult to breathe. How do I walk away from my best friend, my soul mate, my life? What do I do to bring back the broken trust, and bring back the happy times. My faith in love has been destroyed. I honestly no longer believe in it.

Love is something that when it is good it completes you, but when it is betrayed there is no pain deeper. I loved my husband with all my heart and I doubt I will ever love anyone else like that again, but my trust has been destroyed. They say that love is not enough. I will never stop loving Adam but to stay in a marraige that been tainted with betrayal is too big an ask I feel.

So on this Christmas Eve 2005 what am I thankful for? Even at this lowest point in my life I have much to give thanks for. Most of all a loving and supportive family, and loyal faithful friends. These people are my foundation, without them I don't know what I would do.

Would I still be here? I doubt that very much. I am thankful for my job a place to forget my worries. I am thankful for cinamon donuts they taste so good when things are bleak. I am thankful for my pillow, I sleep restlessly these days but at least I have somewhere to lay my head. I am even thankful for life itself and its many challenges.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I don't know if I am strong, but I do know that I will not let this affair break me. I will wake up each morning, and continue on lifes journey, and oneday I will look forward to the morning. Because right now I am sad when I open my eyes only because god didn't let me die in my sleep the night before.

While typing this diary entry my heart breaks for that girl so long ago, she went through so much pain and heartache, and right now it stills brings tear to my eyes. But I look at myself now and I am so happy. Ty is an amazing person and I have found the courage to love again, and I love Ty immensely we were meant to be. I feel that I had to meet Adam first to know what I wanted in a partner. Christmas is around the corner again and I feel so different to three years ago. I am stronger, healthier, happier and at peace with myself.